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The Worst of Bollywood: The Year So Far

The cinematic moments that brought us to tears this year

Save Tabu! Save Saif! Save Ranveer Singh! Save Our Sanity!

Himesh Reshammiya

Between the Elections and the IPL, Bollywood has been surprisingly quiet and circumspect these last few months. We haven’t heard any of the superstars screeching their “100 Crore+” numbers from the balcony. The Khans have been surprisingly civil with each other. Kangna Ranaut has given some great press and Amitabh Bachchan has continued his absolute domination of the social networks.

 

And apart from Sonam Kapoor at Koffee with Karan, everyone has been unfailingly polite and utterly boring. We’ve picked up our favourite moments from the year so far here. These are the ones we wish we could erase.

The Worst Use of A Woman Over 30

As it turns out, the last six months weren’t bad for women over 30 in Bollywood. Juhi Chawla got to play a deliciously evil manipulator and Madhuri Dixit played an ass-kicking renegade in Gulab Gang. Aishwarya Rai has finally announced a return to cinema with two films . Plus, she worked it on the Cannes Red carpet showing all the young interlopers, that at least when it comes to fashion, she remains the undisputed queen.

But beautiful Tabu had to contend with playing Salman Khan’s (ahem) older sister in Jai Ho- along with a bevy of supporting actors including Suneil Shetty, Vikas Bhalla and Genelia DSouza. We’d like to think they fooled her into this role by handing a different script, but are afraid that she chose this movie because Bollywood doesn’t know quite what to do with her luminous beauty and extraordinary calm.

At least she’s reuniting with Irrfan Khan as Queen Gertrude later this year !

The Worst Use of a MBRB Favourite

This one is a tie between two of our favourite Men:

Ali Zafar lights up the screen with his laidback charm, those amazing dimples and an ability to sing/lipsynch convincingly. But Total Siyaapa turned him into a caricature of a Pakistani Punjabi without as much as scratching the surface. Surely, there’s a better use of his talents than in playing straight man to an over-the-top Anupam Kher, cracking dated Shahid Afridi jokes?

As for Gunday, how can you take Ranveer Singh- the most electric of the young batch- and then convert the movie into what is essentially a 2 hour commercial for “manscaping” (we hate that we know this word)? He preened, he danced, he flexed his muscles, but was never really allowed to become more than a Ken Doll in a movie that itself looked like a set of gorgeous songs and stills forced into a story.

The Worst Impact of Botox

Ohh Saif! Of all the Khans you were perhaps our favourite. You were easily the best part of Dil Chahta Hai, so convincingly bruised and aching in Omkara and even elevated Agent Vinod with some wonderful button-down shirts. But lately it looks like you’ve lost the plot. We would be willing to overlook Bullet Raja and Race 2 as your desperate ploys to join the Big Boys’ Leagues, but we cannot cannot forgive you the trailer of Humshakals.

Where do we even begin with this one? The “limp arms = funny” thesis? The “mental disability = hilarious” equation? The “at least we had fun making the movie so you better enjoy it” conviction? The “too young for us women cavorting in bikinis” misogynist delusions?

Perhaps what makes us saddest is that the face that once grimaced as Langda Tyagi, searched inwards with Cyrus and broke into a boyish smile at the sight of Preity Zinta, is now slowly transforming into its own Madame Tussaud’s homage, one smoothened forehead wrinkle a time.

Saif Ali Khan Humshakals

The Worst Movie With The Best People Behind It

We laugh at his rockstar delusions, but have never doubted Farhan Akhtar’s ability to pick a good script (Even Karthik calling Karthik had an interesting premise). We admire Vidya Balan‘s ability to go big, her absolute fearlessness on screen and the unbelievable warmth she radiates. We think Purab Kohli is capable of being adorable and confess to laughing at Vir Das‘ twitter feed. Then why oh why was Shaadi Ke Side Effects so bad? It’s like someone took all the “Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus” mailers from 1995 and converted them into a script. Bitches be crazy right? Manly men be commitment phobes right? Babies be poop machines right? But family be best right?

There is a nuanced (and hilarious) movie to be made somewhere, about marriages in modern times, the insecurities that men and women grapple with, and the burdens of a yuppie family. But this is not that movie. Just like those mail forwards, we suggest you assign it to trash.

The Worst Fallout of the Elections

Look, everyone knew they couldn’t compete with the force of Arnab on Results Day and decided to postpone their movies to later. But one fearless performer knew that his star wattage would remain undimmed by the fervour of elections,Board Exams or floods. Himesh Bhai released The XPose during an opportune film-less part of the summers and reaped just rewards. Playing actor/detective/all-round good egg “Ravi Kumar”, he solved the mysterious murder of a starlet (Spoiler: She was killed not once, but thrice in one night!). The movie struck a chord with the audience and became some sort of a hit. There’s a sequel in works people. 

And we should all be so lucky to have a Ravi Kumar movie every summer. Maybe the next time round he can help solve the case of a movie that became an inexplicable hit in spite of having Yo Yo Honey Singh as a featured actor?

 

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